If you’re like me you dream of being an Internet millionaire just scraping by.  You wish that you could make more cash from Google Adsense than California has managed to get into debt by.  In case you hadn’t heard, that’s a lot of money [currently just shy of 52 billion dollars].  The best way to make mone like I do with Google adsense is to game the system with hot keywords, but I don’t know how to do that and I’m not interested in gaming the system.  Instead I make slow money as over time total strangers click through on the ads on this site when what they’re looking for (usually adult content, because this site is full of that content) is advertised in a Google ad.

I have, over time, received a very large Google check of $100.00 from Google every couple of what I have come to call “Google years”.  I run no less than 5 sites that have Google ads, but none of them actually generate what I would call revenue.  They’re blogs.  They have content that doesn’t get read often (other than a few pages that are linked to from within Wikipedia, surprisingly).  A Google Year is the amount of time it takes me to get the minimum amount of adsense clicky-clicky revenue.  The speed of light is measured in light years, the speed of money is measured in Google years.  The best way to compare the two is like this: Light years are like the fastest expensive sports car money can by and Google years (for me at least) are like a two wheeled Yugo being drawn by a three legged mule that is blind, missing a quarter of his right ear, and named Edna.  Edna is a boy horse who has been named incorrectly by a very abusive Yugo and mule owner.  Edna cannot compete with the expensive sports car in performance, but Edna moves, steadily forward.

If you want to maximize Google revenue you’ll want to put the advertisements all over your page, but I’m not interested in maximizing revenue, I’m interested in maximizing content.  You will find that I make decisions based on the capitalistic concept of ‘lazy faire’ which means, “let the people click on ads if they want to,” in English.  Lazy fair is Franglish, its English and French in origin and I think I just made it up.  Just like the money in the banks that Google dispenses every Google Year.

Another technique to becoming wealthy through Google is to be good at mathematics.  I understand that they only hire the best engineers, and then give them stock options.  I try to stay away from stock options because the stocks are right next to the gallows and I’d prefer not to get lynched.  Either way, being good at math will not hurt, especially if you have to use it in calculating the change from selling hamburgers at your third job because the Internet Millionaire thing isn’t working out.

Good golly, I had to take a Taxi yesterday to get from an airport to a hotel.  $20.00.  Gone.  Yikes!  I think we drove several miles.  But I’m not sure, I just watched the meter and enjoyed every inch of pavement that I could.  Which in case you’ve not been in a car before, is not really a high-pleasure experience.  I’d like to thank the taxi driver for the fine Cubanisimo music his iPod was playing.  It really gave me great pleasure to enjoy the latin grooves that the whole ensemble was playing.  There is nothing quite as refreshing as a latin groove in exepensive transportation.  Four out of Five dentists polled recommended it to their patients.

So after paying the fine man for driving me a distance and then being fare about it, I met up with a colleague, walked to a somewhat nearby eating establishment and then nearly bled from my eyes when the bill for a hot dog and a soda came to just under $12.00.  For that price I could almost get to the airport!  Fortunately the food gave me sustenance enough to maintain me for long enough to make it to dinner where someone else was paying.  But seriously?!  $12.00?  It wasn’t even a big cup!

And thus, as I leave off here I want to make this one reccomendation: never leave your homes, and by all means never travel.  Traveling is expensive and there isn’t much good that comes from it except that you can see new places and have new experiences in life.  But that’s over-rated.  You can have new experiences by eating dirt and trying new food.  Oh, and if someone else takes you out to Del Frisco’s I LOVED their crab cake and I LOVED their potatoes aug gratin.  I hesitate to call any food perfect, but I don’t hesitate to call these perfect, they were that good.

I suck at money management.  If there was something I was not good at, it is actually managing my money.  I am a sucker for instant gratification.  Here’s a quote from a friend of mine that has nothing to do with personal finance on the surface, but has everything to do with it in principle.  I asked her about what her tryouts involved for a High School Volleyball team:

“Um, 3 hours of watching girls that think they can play… girls that really can play and girls that have no skill but are there because someone said that they were good once.  And then at the end of the week: cutting them.”

I would be the player that thinks he can play.  I am not the player that knows he can play, I am not the player that anyone ever told that I could play.  I would be the self-decieved player.

But the good thing about the self-decieved player is that the player has intentions.  Good intentions.  Intentions that are tied to potential.  Not in a ‘motivational poster that is so unreal that nobody would buy it’ sort of way, but with the passion that may some day turn into an acceptable utility player that isn’t the team captain, or the super-star, but is the person who keeps the team going with drive and is one of the many.

I’m the guy who is picked last.  But I’m working on being the guy you’d pick 5th.  I’m OK with fifth because at least its a step up.  I’m OK with being picked last as long as I’m picked.  Right field is awesome, catcher is awesome.  I don’t need to be the star, I don’t need to be the slugger, I just need to get on base.  Our finances have slipped some recently and I’m the guy responsible for that.

We’re not staying here.  We’re going to kick this into high gear.  We’re going to kill our darlings.  We’re going to plug the leaks and batton down the hatches.  We’re going to mix our metaphors until the cows come home.  But we’re not going to stay last.  We’re going to stay home - instead of eating out.